GLOSSARY Choose your words carefully in life. You will be judged by them.
“Alt-left”: If you believe in unicorns and leprechauns, then the “alt-left” is for you. Why? Because they don’t exist. If you hear someone use the term, then beware: they have a motive for using it.
Aileen Cannon: Trump’s personal attorney in Florida who masquerades as a judge.
anti-maskers: More formally known as “Friends of SARS-CoV-2”, these misanthropic Homo sapiens reveal themselves as traitors to their own species who gleefully spread disease through either enmity or a firm desire to avoid our shared reality. Masks work and always have.
anti-semitic: In the 2020s if you do not express joy when presented an image of IDF boots crushing the windpipes of Palestinian children, you are given the label “antisemitic”. In an increasingly propagandized nation such as the “United” States, this label can cause you to be “cancelled”.
Benito Cheeto: Given that he derives great pleasure from bestowing nicknames, we find it only fair that Donald gets a nickname of his own. Benito Cheeto was coined in 2017 when it became clear that his behavior echoed Benito Mussolini’s. Cheeto is an unnatural skin tone obtained via a tanning bed, the use of topical chemicals, or the consumption of too much carrot juice (it’s true — go easy on the carrot juice).
black hole troll (bht): “Since I am unhappy, nobody should be happy” is the rallying cry of a bht. He (and yes, it’s almost always a he) can find meaning in his life if he’s able to negatively impact the personal lives of strangers via the Internet. Oddly, a bht will become upset if he witnesses or hears about anything having a negative impact on a dog. Why? With food he can bribe a dog into being his friend; a dog is the perfect subject for his authoritarian mindset.
BLOTUS: Biggest Liar Of The United States. This POTUS (Jan. 20, 2017 – Jan. 20, 2021) rarely made statements of fact and would hold a Guinness World Records title if a category for lying existed.
Candice Owens: an American who — if she had been alive during the Civil War — would have aided the Confederacy in preserving slavery. In the 21st century she discovered that her high melanin levels in combination with a rabid white nationalist Chrisofascist worldview was a niche way to get rich.
Christian nationalism: Remember the upstanding American “Christians” who for a century told us that chattel slavery was godly and that Jesus was cool with enslaving your fellow man as a lifestyle choice? Their descendants are now pushing for [white] Christofascism in the “United” States. So it’s time once again for actual decent folk to push back against radical religious extremists in North America.
CIC: Citizenship and Immigration Canada, the former federal government department renamed in 2015 to Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada (IRCC). Nothing wrong with changing a department name if it’s honest (unlike the dishonest renaming of the United States Department of War in 1949 to the United States Department of Defense).
Claremont Institute: This once-respected outfit is now just a doublethink tank that promotes the “alternative facts” and alternate realities that have decimated what had been an already flagging political system. This “intellectual” home of Trumpism — an oxymoron if ever there was one — helps to normalize white nationalist identity politics, authoritarianism, and One Religion to rule them all (you know the one). If your life is empty and you need somebody to feed you nihilistic questions like “Who are the ‘real’ Americans?”, Claremont Institute is there with some Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions. Intellectual my ass.
Cult 45: Ever wonder why so many Germans got behind the Führer back in his day? Books like The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich and documentaries like Final Account can answer some of your questions. If you’re too lazy to read a book, you can recall U.S. history from 2015–present for a bit of insight. Certain socioeconomic conditions in conjunction with willful ignorance, a malignant narcissist, and the right [no pun intended] propaganda work wonders in creating a massive cult following for a shyster like the 45th POTUS. Known for their worship of Confederate statues and their fetish for дезинформация, these cultists are able to yell “Benghazi!” at an almost superhuman volume.
Death Threat Party: An accurate replacement suggested for the “Republican Party” since a prominent characteristic of the American Right is to issue death threats towards anyone they disagree with; the rightwing hates free speech so much that they want to kill you if say anything that hurts their feelings.
“do your research” (also “do your own research”): prior to the 21st century, this phrase perhaps would have been uttered by a scientist, a scholar, or even a lay person who enjoyed spending endless hours in libraries digging up arcane knowledge. Today, any jackass with access to the Internet thinks using a search engine is “doing research”. This is a problem especially because any other jackass can post bits of information on the web without the slightest concern for accuracy, truthfulness, context, or ethics. What you get is nothing short of a disaster in a subpopulation with no ability to evaluate information (e.g., to identify logical fallacies, assess the totality of evidence, understand why some sources are reputable and others are not) who thus are empty receptacles for whatever caters to their confirmation biases. One result is a widespread Dunning-Kruger effect, like plumbers becoming scientists due to reading the abstract and maybe other parts of a paper on PubMed. Sure, secondary research is a thing, and actual researchers sometimes use certain databases on the web. But if you hear someone enlighten you with the phrase “do your own research”, your best bet is to bid them farewell.
Donald J Trump: A one-term POTUS, this inheritance billionaire (alleged billionaire) is “the least racist person you’ve ever met”, “as innocent as a person can be”, and even “perhaps the most innocent man anywhere in the history of the United States” (all direct quotes from the man himself). The world laughs.
expatriate (expat): According to The Law Dictionary .org, an expat is “Citizen of country A living in country B. Classification of this citizen occurs regardless if the citizen has a short stay or an extended or lifetime stay in country B.” However, the definition depends on who you ask, with some arguing that “…expat is a term reserved exclusively for western white people going to work abroad ”, and that “All expats are simply glorified immigrants.” Due to the name of this site, a future post will cover the topic.
fascandroid [sarcasm]: A fascist android. These curious artificial intelligence experiments were created to determine how a binary system programmed with right-wing ideology will react when varying pieces of factual information are inputted. The results are humorous in a laboratory setting, but terrifying in real-world situations. Fox “News” employs the highest known concentration of fascandroids; Bill O’Reilly is commonly considered the prototypical cable media fascandroid.
“Grab ’em by the pussy”: a verified Republican policy towards the daughters, sisters, and mothers in America.
hard-working: A term reserved for flyover country Muricans who fancy themselves as anything more than cogs in a machine. People in coastal U.S. cities can’t possibly be hard-working since they don’t own pickup trucks. If you think for a living, you absolutely aren’t hard-working.
intellectual dark web (IDW): A subpar realm for people who [1] have a persecution complex and need a safe space, [2] want to assume the role of an intellectual despite not having the requisite intellect, and [3] have a desire to break imaginary rules.
Joe Biden: A weak presidential candidate who in 2020 won a rigorously-examined, valid election by millions of votes simply because Donald Trump earned the hatred of more Americans than he.
Joe Rogan: A mainstream podcaster who queries his guests on behalf of low-information citizens. The listeners usually remain misinformed until they stop relying on Joe’s podcast. Joe moved to Texass to spend more time with other American elites (e.g., Greg Abbott). Ted Cruz suggested that if Texass secedes from the Union [oh god yes please], Joe Rogan might be the president of Texass.
Kari Lake: A mentally ill woman who resides in Arizona.
Katy Cruz : An ugly woman in Texass. (The 45th President of the United States told us this, so it must be true.)
Kochava: Yes, Big Brother is watching you — and he will sell you out. His name is Kochava.
laptop from Hell: Given to a blind man by Lucifer himself, this laptop is the most visible symptom of the highly contagious Biden Derangement Syndrome, a condition widespread within Murica’s MAGAt community (despite Biden being the least controversial POTUS since the first Bush, if not Eisenhower). No, it’s not a joke: the man who received the laptop is blind and was not able to identify who gave it to him. The laptop’s chain of custody ensures that nothing on the drive can be trusted, yet this will not deter juveniles in the House of Representatives from using the addlepated tale as an excuse for doing nothing positive for the American people in 2023-24.
left-wing radical: In most of the world, a left-wing radical is simply a committed communist / revolutionary socialist. In the “United” States, this term is pejoratively used in reference to an individual who is a centrist or who leans to the left politically. America stands out in this regard due to its large number of extremely indoctrinated and obscenely willfully ignorant citizens who derive great pleasure in parroting shibboleths like “radical left-wing Marxists” to inaccurately label compatriots they hate. These mindless hordes of course don’t know the first thing about Marxism; they are useful idiots eager to hear the next scrap of propaganda handed down to them from the entertainment wing of the GOP.
libertarian: A nearly meaningless term in the 21st century, a libertarian today in the “United” States more often than not refers to a self-concerned individual who reviles federal government while oddly pushing for “states rights” (see Neo-Confederate).
Loonie: The Canadian one-dollar coin makes you wonder why the USA still uses crumpled, dirty one-dollar bills. If you know who the woman on the coin is (without using a search engine), you are on your way to becoming a Canadian. If you know the nickname of the Canadian two-dollar coin, they should give you permanent resident status.
meme (Internet meme): The easiest way to make stupid people stupider via the web. In terms of imparting knowledge, a meme is roughly the opposite of a book. Evidence suggests that the more right-wing memes you are exposed to, the stupider you become.
Murican: You can call people who inhabit the United States of America [a nation] whatever the hell you want, but here we will not refer to them as “Americans”, because America is not a nation. Why affirm Murican exceptionalism by continuing to name members of one nation with a term used to refer to two continents making up most of the land in Earth’s western hemisphere? Unless we stop throwing around the term “American” to describe folks from the States, how are contemporary Confederates (i.e., Trump supporters) expected to ever learn that the “caravan” nations below them are also part of America?
Neo-Confederate: Confused low-IQ Americans who fantasize about instigating a 2nd Civil War. Without the institution of slavery to defend, Neo-Confederates don’t have a particular cause, but ye gads are they ever looking for a reason to use their AR-15s (inanimate objects that give meaning to their lives). If you want a better definition, check the SPLC.
Ontario: The 51st state of the USA? If you’re from the lower 48 and spending time in Ontario, you may not realize you’re in Canada until you notice the absence of U.S. flags placed every 30 meters. (Note to Muricans: what’s with all the flags? Are you worried people will forget which nation they live in if they don’t see dozens of U.S. flags every day?) If you doubt Ontario’s amateur shadowing of Trumpland, just take a gander at some Doug Ford news.
“patriot”: These days in the “United” States, you are not labeled an anarchist if you fantasize about murdering politicians and overthrowing the government — you are instead a “patriot”. These well-armed Neo-Confederate traitors often wrap their rhetoric and actions in a U.S. flag in an attempt to legitimize their radical extremist agenda, all while somehow perceiving themselves as victims rather than perpetrators. In the 2020s, never trust those who have appropriated the word and now proclaim themselves “patriots”. In January of 2021 at The Capitol, “patriots” took down the American flag to hoist up the Trump flag (revealing their true intentions). At best they are neo-fascist sympathizers; the worst among them are bonafide white nationalist terrorists who will be remembered as such in history books a century from now.
QAnon: A cult that started as a joke but suckered in countless thousands of fools who are unable to accept reality on reality’s terms. Casting aside all pretenses of not being absolutely insane, the cult believes in anything that isn’t factual so long as it first conforms to a rigid political litmus test. Researchers have determined that Russian government-supported organizations amplify the cult’s conspiracy theories. Based on everything we know about dezinformatsiya (the Stalinist term for “disinformation”), it would be no surprise if Q himself is a Russian intelligence agent. Such a conspiracy theory is far more likely to be true than almost any idea put forth by the Q cultists. But alas, in 2021, we know that Q was simply a nihilistic troll named Ron Watkins who commandeered the original Q’s account and proceeded to wreak limitless havoc, mostly for lolz.
Republican Party (U.S. politics): Now a cult of personality, this party is, ironically, also referred to as the “Grand Old Party” (GOP) because in the latter half of the 19th century they wanted to tout their role in preserving the Union during the Civil War. In the 21st century, the GOP works towards dissolving the Union by tossing lit matches onto the democracy doused with gasoline by Donald Trump. The party entrenches power through anti-democratic means, e.g., making voting as difficult as possible for each demographic not likely to vote Republican. “If you can’t win an election honestly, you must try to steal it”. Since the majority of the U.S. population won’t buy their elephant dung in a marketplace of ideas anchored by facts, the GOP fabricates alternative realities to recruit every simpleminded or gullible citizen possible.
SCOTUS: In 2022, the Supreme Court is widely known as an illegitimate, retrograde, activist institution set on taking away personal rights from citizens, modeling a 21st century Western theocracy. Polling reveals that SCOTUS does not have the confidence of the public.
social media: Designed by liberals, these communication platforms are used by conservatives to shitpost about liberals.
Steve Bannon: A former investment banker in the Mergers and Acquisitions Department at Goldman Sachs, Steve is now best known as a convict, a propagandist, and a full-bore global neofascist. A pardon from a disgraced one-term POTUS who tried to overturn a national election in 2020–21 is the only reason Steve in not behind bars. In the spirit of “America First”, Steve employed Chinese sweatshop workers with 60 million dollars he schmoozed from Goldman Sachs in 2005.
tear gas: A very safe chemical agent used by the United States of America against migrants. This and countless other actions under Trumpism have led reasonable people to conclude that America Is Extraordinarily Less Great Again.
Twitter: A disinformation platform owned and operated by the most powerful oligarch on planet Earth.
Wall Derangement Syndrome: WDS presents with obsessive thoughts and intense anxiety regarding the need for “a wall” at the southern U.S. border. Curiously, the vast northern U.S. border causes no fear, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts among these same individuals. In the most advanced and severe cases of WDS, the individual believes only a concrete wall will provide relief, whereas those with mild or moderate WDS are able to find relief at the thought of steel as the building material. The afflicted have Great faith that their lives will be improved by construction of the wall, despite no evidence for this assumption. Not yet in the DSM-5.