Please Stay Alive, You Lying Sack of Shit
Betting markets offer a chance to place a wager on U.S. presidential elections, but predicting the future is a messy business that I don’t want to get involved in. On January 5, Biden and Trump were running neck and neck on PredictIt. This betting market is probably more reliable than the polls, but so much will happen in 2024 that I’m more interested in bigger questions. For instance: Will Donald Trump Die In 2024? Most Republican politicians hope that he will since Donald is the primary reason their Death Threat Party suffered losses in 2020 and 2022 (not to mention, they are not free to speak their mind because they might upset the old man who leads their cult).
I don’t want Donald to die in 2024. The man will burn in Hell for all Eternity due to his success in creating a malignant alternate reality that his millions of sheeple cultists embrace (Thanks for completely destroying the social fabric of the nation, ya orange shitbird), so we needn’t be in any rush to push him into a meeting with the Grim Reaper. But let me be more specific: I don’t want Donald to die before Tuesday, November 5, 2024. If either Donald or Joe dies before that week, the #2 Republican candidate (we don’t even know who that is yet) will be the POTUS in 2025.
Superhuman Physiology? Sorry MAGAts: He’s Just an Old Man
Since I don’t have money to burn, I’m not one to engage in “dead pool” betting. I’m sure online markets exist today where you can bet on whether Donald or Joe will die first. This of course is unethical, but more than that it’s foolish given how notorious Death is for being unpredictable. Both men exhibit a cognitive decline normal for their shared age bracket, but only one of them lives a lifestyle positively associated with morbidity and mortality.β Even though Biden is a couple years older, he doesn’t favor fast food and golf carts. If I were forced to bet in a dead pool for 2024, I’d chose Biden as the one of the two old men less likely to perish.
Will Donald Trump Die In 2024? This year will present a level of stress in his life that he’s never experienced: Donald is fully aware that he must win or steal the election to avoid what would be prison time [for any other American, given the evidence and number of indictments]. Some people thrive on stress, but regardless of personal preference, stress has similar physiologic effects in every human. Donald Trump’s beleaguered physiology is a ticking time bomb. Mr. Trump, please stay alive until the week of November 4. After that, feel free to eat ten Big Macs per day.
β Although Mr. Trump’s cognitive decline is documented in hundreds of audio and video clips, it is overshadowed by his severe mental illnesses, including one of the most profound cases of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in American history.